Bare Naked Communication

Once upon a time, when Dan and I were newlyweds, we were living in El Paso, TX. Due to his military work rotation of one week on days, one week on nights, and one week in the field, I was frequently left alone. I had my own pursuits to occupy me, attending the local community college and volunteering as respite care at a children’s shelter. Those solo endeavors often found me driving across the Franklin Mountains (El Paso – the city – is so vast it is its own county) with windows down to enjoy the humidity-free breezes and the music loud enough to overpower my singing along at the top of my lungs.

We were in that lovely time of getting used to marriage, getting used to separations and reuniting, getting used to making couple friends… it was all new and shiny. And hard. Love didn’t automatically conquer all; we found ourselves in the middle of disagreements over the simplest of things some days. We found that communication, even though it had been a strong point of our dating life as we dated long-distance for a year, was sometimes hard.

When you’re hurt but don’t want to hurt your spouse by telling them the truth that they hurt you.

When you’re angry but know that the cause for your anger is probably a little bit silly. Or that it is totally justified and you’re not willing to stand down from making righteous correction.

When you’re embarrassed that you know you messed up but aren’t sure if your apology will be met with good graces or ridicule.

When you’re frustrated and want your spouse to just understand where you’re coming from, but  they don’t.

In-person working through of those things is a lot different than long-distance. You see the immediate impact of your own words. You feel the sting of someone else’s and can’t hide your face behind a letter (or keyboard!).

During one of those many solo trips across the mountains, a newly-aquired cassette tape played a track that spoke deeply to me. Applying its very simple principle helped both of us learn to communicate more openly with one another. It helped us to get our own selves out of the way and remember that we were to prefer the other over ourselves [Ephesians 5]. Written and sung by a band called The Choir, the song is “Listen to Her Eyes.”

                               Promises tumble in the breeze
                               Never mind apologies
                               When she shakes, words are not enough
                               Wrap her spirit in your love
 
                               If your love is more than words
                               Listen to her eyes
                               If your love is more than words
                               Listen to her eyes
                               Read her tears like pages
                               Hold her when she cries
                               If your love is more than words
                               Listen to her, listen to her eyes
 
                              
Here was a description of the kind of understanding that I desired from my husband. And, the more I pondered it, here was a description of the kind of attentiveness that he desired from me. To step back from our own emotions a moment so that we could see what our words were doing to the other. To walk through a hard situation together, with compassion for one another’s viewpoints and a desire to uphold one another. Confronting weakness and fear with “I am here. I’ve got you.” rather than “You are ridiculous.”  Mere promises mean nothing if not backed up by the day-by-day working to not only verbalize “I love you” but to truly see and support one another.

The Scripture says that Adam and Eve were in the garden “naked and unashamed.” [Genesis 2:25] Not only were they physically unclothed, but they were unveiled in their thoughts, plans, and activities. In the daily Presence of God, they worked together to tend the garden and their family. This was the design of the Father for His Creation.
It requires us to see one another. To put down the lenses of our own interests and listen to our spouse’s eyes well. We’ll learn to see when they are hurt. What brings them joy. Their silent pains and inward triumphs. The silly antics that make their laughter reach their eyes.

​We will develop a deep trust that whatever our weaknesses, whatever the blemishes we see in ourselves, whatever struggles we face, our spouse’s love will cover us and walk with us to the strengthening and betterment of both.